I'm not sitting on my porch swing.
I'm not in Chicago.

It's 6:12 pm in Lewiston, Maine and I'm sitting on the dock of my Dad's lake cottage, on the calming waters of No Name Pond.It's so peaceful but my mind is so chaotic. I'm trying to shut it off for a few to just enjoy rest, peace, calm...peace. I have had a few moments like that today on this white crocheted hammock that hugs me like a child hugging his Mom after a long tour in Iraq. I just lay on the hammock, slowly rocking left...right...left...right. The sun is peeking through the trees to give me a moment of its warmth before hiding again and letting the breeze cool me down. It was a game of tag and I was "it." Dad and Willow are preparing the camp for visitors tomorrow, burning pine needles in the fire pit. The smell of a camp fire pleases me so. The combination of fresh air and camp fire does something to my soul - until I am overwhelmed with a cloud of smoke attacking me like a bear attacks its prey. I cough. We all laugh...and I go back to rocking on the hammock...right...left...right...

I stare at the sky through the trees and wonder "how can I have more of this in my life?" Such a difference from the city that has been ripping and draining the life out of me lately. The contrast is like black and white - exact opposites...just like the tension I feel as I try to decide what to do with my future. How do I I do what I love and am most passionate about (city) AND be who I love at this exact moment (Maine)? Black and white worlds - but God reminds me: "My baby girl, you ARE black and white - in birth and in the way you live and love - best of both worlds. I provide you with both to run to anytime you want, anytime you need. You long for Maine now because you are weary, tired, stressed - so I give it to you. After awhile, you will get anxious to do something to change the world (city) - so I give that to you too. I am not the God of "either," "or" but the God of "and," "both," "all." I desire to give all to you."

I put my pen down as tears roll down my face...and just listen...

• a duck keeps quacking
• the water is rippling
• the pontoon boat slightly hits the deck due to the rippling waters
• the crickets are getting ready for their night's performance
• my Dad and his wife of ___ years are laughing together
• the family across the lake are calling the kids in for dinner, one resisting with tears
• gun shots and its echos 1 second later (gun range?) and traffic (a reminder?)

I hear God.

Clearly He hears me too.

#HammockLife #KissOnMyForeheadFromGod #SelfCare

Its 1:39 pm in Chicago. I'm sitting on my porch swing enjoying the most perfect weather God could create. The breeze kisses my cheek like a giddy girlfriend who kisses her new man. It feels good. It makes me smile like I was blessed with a surprise gift. I needed something today considering my morning was a struggle of depression, tears and a bed that refused to set me free. I fought and eventually forced myself to throw one foot on the floor next to the bed. It was a start. Hours later, I'm on my porch swing reading "The Shot Caller", a story of a Latino gangbanger who escaped a violent life to a new life in Christ. My heart is breaking for this man's childhood story. I find my soul fighting...maybe today isn't the day to be reading such an intense book... but I'm needing a story of hope today. As I sit and enjoy the Sunday neighborhood silence, the kisses of the wind, the little girl who rode by on her bike squealing hello, I hear a lady inside her house yelling at the top of her lungs at her child...so loud, I can make out the words. All I can think is, "Why are people so angry in this world?" I just want to invite her to sit with me on my porch swing, close her eyes, breathe and let God kiss her forehead. Then I am reminded, not everyone seeks to be healed. Not everyone tries to escape the darkness within themselves... but there is a God that offers himself in many ways, such as a beautiful summer day or a favorite movie to watch while curled up in bed. We all have pain. We all have struggles... and we all have the opportunity to be loved, seen and kissed by a God who is in the breeze, the house across the street or the darkness of depression. Today, as I fight, I don't want the breeze to stop because right now, it is the breath I can't seem to breathe myself...it cools my face as tears roll down it reminding me, though I feel lonely, I am never alone. I smile as I blow kisses back to my Daddy from his baby girl. #PorchSwingLife #KissOnMyForeheadFromGod #SelfCare #Chicago

It's 8:31 pm in Chicago. I'm sitting on my porch swing listening to the orchestra of cicadas. As soon as I sat down, it got quiet... then one cicada got loud. It was as if she was directing the choir. Slowly, a few began to sing, then others joined in. The volume getting louder and louder. They seemed to drown out the noise of the booming cars, police sirens, kids playing, dogs barking. Loud. Loud. Louder.... but as I sit here, I notice no one is paying attention to the music. Life is carrying on with no thought to the sounds of the city. It reminds me of a city, a country crying out with bloodshed pouring down the city drain and no one really stopping to listen to the cries. More thoughts and prayers. But who is stopping to listen to the choir of loud cries? 

As I sit with the cicadas, embracing the song, I not only listen but I sing and cry too. #PorchSwingLife #KissOnMyForeheadFromGod