I'm not sitting on my porch swing.
I'm not in Chicago.

It's 6:12 pm in Lewiston, Maine and I'm sitting on the dock of my Dad's lake cottage, on the calming waters of No Name Pond.It's so peaceful but my mind is so chaotic. I'm trying to shut it off for a few to just enjoy rest, peace, calm...peace. I have had a few moments like that today on this white crocheted hammock that hugs me like a child hugging his Mom after a long tour in Iraq. I just lay on the hammock, slowly rocking left...right...left...right. The sun is peeking through the trees to give me a moment of its warmth before hiding again and letting the breeze cool me down. It was a game of tag and I was "it." Dad and Willow are preparing the camp for visitors tomorrow, burning pine needles in the fire pit. The smell of a camp fire pleases me so. The combination of fresh air and camp fire does something to my soul - until I am overwhelmed with a cloud of smoke attacking me like a bear attacks its prey. I cough. We all laugh...and I go back to rocking on the hammock...right...left...right...

I stare at the sky through the trees and wonder "how can I have more of this in my life?" Such a difference from the city that has been ripping and draining the life out of me lately. The contrast is like black and white - exact opposites...just like the tension I feel as I try to decide what to do with my future. How do I I do what I love and am most passionate about (city) AND be who I love at this exact moment (Maine)? Black and white worlds - but God reminds me: "My baby girl, you ARE black and white - in birth and in the way you live and love - best of both worlds. I provide you with both to run to anytime you want, anytime you need. You long for Maine now because you are weary, tired, stressed - so I give it to you. After awhile, you will get anxious to do something to change the world (city) - so I give that to you too. I am not the God of "either," "or" but the God of "and," "both," "all." I desire to give all to you."

I put my pen down as tears roll down my face...and just listen...

• a duck keeps quacking
• the water is rippling
• the pontoon boat slightly hits the deck due to the rippling waters
• the crickets are getting ready for their night's performance
• my Dad and his wife of ___ years are laughing together
• the family across the lake are calling the kids in for dinner, one resisting with tears
• gun shots and its echos 1 second later (gun range?) and traffic (a reminder?)

I hear God.

Clearly He hears me too.

#HammockLife #KissOnMyForeheadFromGod #SelfCare