Saturday, July 16, 2016

It's 9:23 pm in Chicago. I'm sitting on my porch swing as the crackling sound of wood when I sit says to me "where have you been?" I took a very deep breathe and exhaled a loud "Yeeessss." But the very minute I exhaled, I was overwhelmed by all the sounds. All at one time: tons of police sirens, ambulance sirens, helicopters flying above me, people yelling loudly, police horns, loud backyard party, kids screaming, a car alarm going off, the Green Line zipping by on the tracks, car driving by playing trap music so loud it felt like my porch swing was dancing from the vibrations. "Whoa Lord!" I said out loud. I've never been that overwhelmed with so much loudness on my porch swing before. ...but then I thought, "This has been my life for the past two weeks - nonstop movement, constant emotional rollercoaster, and an overwhelming weariness...all at the same time ." In light of the past weeks, it seems the racial tension, police brutality, murders of law enforcement and everything that came with it was extra heavy for our country this time. It felt took my emotions and spirit through a different process I wasn't prepared for it...and I had to take notice. I've been invited to many conversations this last week to discuss it and have had to turn them all down because I'm not ready...not that I don't have something to say, not that I don't want to engage... I. Just. Can't...and I feel guilty about that. I feel weak, sad that I'm not strong enough right now to engage. But as I sit here, God reminds me that even Jesus needed to take a break, go away alone to pray and be restored...and that is what actually made him strong...AND stronger. God reminded me it takes real soldiers to recognize their limitations and step away if needed - so they can keep doing the work. "But also Baby Girl, it shows you trust Me to be Your healer and to know, with or without you, I got this."
"I know don't need me. "
"But I do choose to use you. In your weakness, I'm made strong. "
"Then You are REALLY strong right now!."
"And isn't that what you need?"
"Yes, Daddy it is."

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