I'm not sitting on my porch swing.
I'm not in Chicago.

It's 6:12 pm in Lewiston, Maine and I'm sitting on the dock of my Dad's lake cottage, on the calming waters of No Name Pond.It's so peaceful but my mind is so chaotic. I'm trying to shut it off for a few to just enjoy rest, peace, calm...peace. I have had a few moments like that today on this white crocheted hammock that hugs me like a child hugging his Mom after a long tour in Iraq. I just lay on the hammock, slowly rocking left...right...left...right. The sun is peeking through the trees to give me a moment of its warmth before hiding again and letting the breeze cool me down. It was a game of tag and I was "it." Dad and Willow are preparing the camp for visitors tomorrow, burning pine needles in the fire pit. The smell of a camp fire pleases me so. The combination of fresh air and camp fire does something to my soul - until I am overwhelmed with a cloud of smoke attacking me like a bear attacks its prey. I cough. We all laugh...and I go back to rocking on the hammock...right...left...right...

I stare at the sky through the trees and wonder "how can I have more of this in my life?" Such a difference from the city that has been ripping and draining the life out of me lately. The contrast is like black and white - exact opposites...just like the tension I feel as I try to decide what to do with my future. How do I I do what I love and am most passionate about (city) AND be who I love at this exact moment (Maine)? Black and white worlds - but God reminds me: "My baby girl, you ARE black and white - in birth and in the way you live and love - best of both worlds. I provide you with both to run to anytime you want, anytime you need. You long for Maine now because you are weary, tired, stressed - so I give it to you. After awhile, you will get anxious to do something to change the world (city) - so I give that to you too. I am not the God of "either," "or" but the God of "and," "both," "all." I desire to give all to you."

I put my pen down as tears roll down my face...and just listen...

• a duck keeps quacking
• the water is rippling
• the pontoon boat slightly hits the deck due to the rippling waters
• the crickets are getting ready for their night's performance
• my Dad and his wife of ___ years are laughing together
• the family across the lake are calling the kids in for dinner, one resisting with tears
• gun shots and its echos 1 second later (gun range?) and traffic (a reminder?)

I hear God.

Clearly He hears me too.

#HammockLife #KissOnMyForeheadFromGod #SelfCare

Its 1:39 pm in Chicago. I'm sitting on my porch swing enjoying the most perfect weather God could create. The breeze kisses my cheek like a giddy girlfriend who kisses her new man. It feels good. It makes me smile like I was blessed with a surprise gift. I needed something today considering my morning was a struggle of depression, tears and a bed that refused to set me free. I fought and eventually forced myself to throw one foot on the floor next to the bed. It was a start. Hours later, I'm on my porch swing reading "The Shot Caller", a story of a Latino gangbanger who escaped a violent life to a new life in Christ. My heart is breaking for this man's childhood story. I find my soul fighting...maybe today isn't the day to be reading such an intense book... but I'm needing a story of hope today. As I sit and enjoy the Sunday neighborhood silence, the kisses of the wind, the little girl who rode by on her bike squealing hello, I hear a lady inside her house yelling at the top of her lungs at her child...so loud, I can make out the words. All I can think is, "Why are people so angry in this world?" I just want to invite her to sit with me on my porch swing, close her eyes, breathe and let God kiss her forehead. Then I am reminded, not everyone seeks to be healed. Not everyone tries to escape the darkness within themselves... but there is a God that offers himself in many ways, such as a beautiful summer day or a favorite movie to watch while curled up in bed. We all have pain. We all have struggles... and we all have the opportunity to be loved, seen and kissed by a God who is in the breeze, the house across the street or the darkness of depression. Today, as I fight, I don't want the breeze to stop because right now, it is the breath I can't seem to breathe myself...it cools my face as tears roll down it reminding me, though I feel lonely, I am never alone. I smile as I blow kisses back to my Daddy from his baby girl. #PorchSwingLife #KissOnMyForeheadFromGod #SelfCare #Chicago

It's 8:31 pm in Chicago. I'm sitting on my porch swing listening to the orchestra of cicadas. As soon as I sat down, it got quiet... then one cicada got loud. It was as if she was directing the choir. Slowly, a few began to sing, then others joined in. The volume getting louder and louder. They seemed to drown out the noise of the booming cars, police sirens, kids playing, dogs barking. Loud. Loud. Louder.... but as I sit here, I notice no one is paying attention to the music. Life is carrying on with no thought to the sounds of the city. It reminds me of a city, a country crying out with bloodshed pouring down the city drain and no one really stopping to listen to the cries. More thoughts and prayers. But who is stopping to listen to the choir of loud cries? 

As I sit with the cicadas, embracing the song, I not only listen but I sing and cry too. #PorchSwingLife #KissOnMyForeheadFromGod 

It's 9:11 pm in Chicago. I'm sitting on my porch swing because it is a perfect summer evening, weatherwise. It's cool. The air is fresh. There is a slight breeze whispering in the trees. But it's loud, very loud. Kids screaming. Fireworks blasting. Trains rolling by. Music bumping in cars. Police sirens everywhere. Grown adults screaming and fighting. A teenager on the phone working so hard for that girl to ask him over. Tonight is not a peaceful evening on my porch swing. But as I sit here wishing these kids would stop screaming to the right of me, I look to the left of me and what do I see? Tons and tons of fireflies. They are lighting up the empty field that is filled with trash because nobody cares about the beauty of the land. And they just keep lighting up. Two lights here, Five Lights there, One light hete, 10 more over there. It's so beautiful that all I can do is smile. I smile because it's a sign of something special. They only come out when the seasons transition. It's the first night that I've seen them this year. And they don't stop being a light in that empty field. Then God reminds me that's what he has called us to do. There are desolate places that don't look like much of anything. They look uncared for, unkept, ignored. But that's where the fireflies choose to fly tonight and give light to. It brings Beauty to that empty field.

Where is God calling you to be a light in a desolate place? To be Beauty in a place that is often ignored? And just like the Firefly, will you just keep glowing and glowing?

"Daddy thank you so much tonight that the Firefly was Beauty for me on such a hard day."

"You're welcome baby girl. Just a reminder of what I've called you to be. You know what it means to be in darkness and how much a ittle bit of light can pull you out of it. I will never leave you in darkness and the fireflies we're just my simple reminder to you."

#PorchSwingLife #SelfCare #KissOnMyForeheadFromGod

A day on my porch swing... this is life.

Its 9:04 pm in Chicago. I'm sitting on my porch swing. It's humid. It's raining. The air is thick. Normally, I would not be sitting out here but I just made a Father's Day video for my Daddy and am pretty emotional. So I had to go to my place of peace, my porch swing. While I'm sitting here, God started singing to me. That's right! The church bells are ringing! I sit here so excited... and so bummed at the same time. I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THE DAILY BELLS! How could I? That's how #PorchSwingLife started! I even used to set my alarm so I wouldn't miss it... and it's been so long, I forgot. All I can do is close my eyes, smile...and listen to the song. Hearing it seems to bring me right back to the time where I was so focused and centered. It triggered feelings of peace and joy. Then God reminded me how often we get so distracted, we easily forget - and take for granted - the simple things in life that give us life. We get so consumed with filling in the emptiness of our souls by doing, by buying, by numbing, by pretending that we forget to just be... be still... still enough to listen and hear... still enough to feel.... still enough to rest while he is singing... in my case, he sings everyday at 9:00 pm and I've been missing his sweet serenades... and I need to relearn what it means to just be his baby girl.

Back to the basics.
Alarm has been set again.
I will meet you at 9:00 pm on the porch swing Daddy... to be.
Just be.

‪#‎PorchSwingLife‬ ‪#‎SelfCare‬ ‪#‎KissOnForeheadFromGod‬

Its 5:29 pm in Chicago. I'm sitting on my porch swing. Thunder. Lightening. Torrential Rain. Loud rain drops banging on the top of cars. The dry ground thanking the rain gods for quenching it's thirst. The flowers gearing up to bloom brighter. People yelling and running using whatever they have to cover their heads as they seek dry shelter. Little kids screaming every time thunder sneaks up and roars! and me...the only one on her street, swinging back and forth watching it all. And it's not normal rain...it's flood rain. It's the rain pounding so hard, it's louder than the Green line train that just passed. It's coming down so hard, you can see it in color.

This is what my inner self feels like today...for months actually. Tumultuous. Intense. Longing. Hard, soft, hard again.

And then God reminds me, rain, as inconvenient and troublesome as it can be, is also cleansing... it is cooling off Chicago after such a hot and humid day... it's feeding the earth so it can keep growing... it's giving free car washes to those who don't take time to wash them...it's also giving you peace and quiet on your block to think of Me.

"I did pray for that yesterday, huh Daddy? That I could sit out here without all the neighbors yelling, music blasting, air smelling like kush... but some quiet on my porch swing?"

"You did baby girl. There will always be noise...even on the inside of you. Seek the noise that brings you peace. Seek my voice in the trees, the wind...and today, in the rain."

"I could get used to this noise Daddy. Rain some more please."

‪#‎PorchSwingLife‬ ‪#‎SelfCare‬ ‪#‎KissOnForeheadFromGod‬

It's 10:07 pm in Chicago. I'm sitting on my porch swing. I've been inside all day because anyone that knows me knows I loathe heat...the icky sticky uncomfortable burning sensation brings out an attitude in me I'm not fond of. Today was predicted to be 94 degrees. Fate was decided for me. As I laid trying to go to bed, something was drawing me to my porch swing. Probably a desperate need for comfort. I anticipated it would be loud, muggy, humid, still stale air... but my City greeted me with unexpected kisses! A cool breeze that didn't stop making music with the rustling leaves. The breeze that brought my heavy spirit to life. The breeze is getting stronger and stronger. It feels like a dance sequence that first asks me to dance, slowly walking to the middle of the floor, then finding our rhythm together until we connect and steal everyone's attention. This cool breeze was like a blind date that was love at first sight, unexpected and beautiful. I don't want it to end. I close my eyes, the street is quiet other than the trees and leaves singing, i swing back and forth as my hair blows in my face and my tshirt does the wave from being puffed up. This. Is. Heaven. Not what I was expecting. What if I had missed this because I thought it would be different? What if I let my hatred of heat block me from wind's love for me?

And then God reminded me.... "Baby girl, life is full of unexpected moments. Life can change in an instant, in a moment. But I will always draw you to moments of peace in this crazy journey of life unexpected...if you listen."

"But Daddy, sometimes listening is scary because I don't know what to expect. Sometimes you ask too much."

"And that's why I long to give you these moments of peace.... more and more as we go...now shhhhhh...close your eyes, feel my wind kisses on your cheek...and trust me."

"OK Daddy...can you smother me please? "

And in this moment, the wind fiercely started blowing...blowing kisses.

‪#‎PorchSwingLife‬ ‪#‎SelfCare‬ ‪#‎KissOnForeheadFromGod‬

It's 3:28 pm in Chicago. I'm sitting on my porch swing for the first time in weeks, maybe months. With all the traveling, hot weather, rain and just plain exhaustion, I have not been visiting my dear "friend" porch swing like I've wanted to. It feels oddly weird to sit here and feel calm, peaceful, disconnected to all the craziness of my life. To sit and pray. To be quiet. To close my eyes, inhale fresh air deeply and exhale stress and toxic thoughts. To feel the cool kisses of wind on my skin and face. To sip my sweet tea (I mean, this is exactly why it was created - for moments like this). My mind keeps going back to my to do list inside the house but God keeps bringing me back to the porch, the quiet.

"Just be in this moment baby girl. Enjoy my peace. Embrace my refreshment. So not be distracted from the hubbub and haste of life. Where you feel breathless and spent, sit in my stillness, in my healing."

How could I deny such love? The one thing I desire the most. A love that comforts, heals and sits with me in the chaos of my soul, the restlessness of my spirit, the anxiety of an unknown future. A love that sees me, knows the depths of me and still says You are the apple of my eye.

The wind keeps blowing. It's non stop. It feels refreshing, free...and then, right in my moment of silence, two teenagers starting yelling and screaming at each other. They won't stop. Reminds me of this battle we live in... Tension vs. Peace. Chaos vs. Peace. We can't escape the chaos but we can fight for moments of peace.

Thank you Daddy for today's moment.

Baby girl, thank you for pressing to take care of your spirit.

#PorchSwingLife #SelfCare #KissOnForeheadFromGod

It's 9:06 pm in Chicago. I'm sitting on my porch swing in this cool summer evening in the hood. As exhausted as my body feels, I was drawn to come and sit with God before I called it a night. I just had to pause as God sent me a hug in the sounds of the rustling leaves in the trees kissing my face with a cool breeze. It sounded like love saying "Stop writing... listen... feel... breathe in... it was as if the leaves were clapping, rejoicing, welcoming the breeze that visited my space and made me stop everything. I think about all I have to do this week and my mind is like a hamster on a wheel (I wonder how they keep running and not get worn out). Not sure how I'm going to do it all... so I take this time, this moment to be silent and still on my porch swing. God reminds me that this moment is the only moment guaranteed. Tomorrow will take care of itself, so will Tuesday, Wednesday and so forth. But in THIS moment, feel it all. Hear it all. Don't think beyond this moment. We live in a world where we're always waiting for something - an email, a status like, a bill, a phone call, a paycheck, an answer.... but do we ever just sit in the moment and say, this is all I need and want...and everything else will be OK?

"Daddy, can we just have 30 more minutes of 'just this' moments tonight?"

"There you go again baby girl. .." as another cool breeze hits my face

"Dangit! It's a discipline I gotta learn. Sorry..." As I close my eyes and feel the love and grace of THIS moment.

‪#‎PorchSwingLife‬ ‪#‎SelfCare‬ ‪#‎KissOnForeheadFromGod‬